I am now a junior, 16 years old, a swimmer and lacrosse player and suffer from severe mental disorders. The biggest struggle I have encountered is passing school, high expectations in sports, maintaining a social life, working all well dealing with many mental health issues.
I have been struggling for the past 2 year with suicidal thoughts as well as engaging in self harm behaviors. I have now been admitted into Rogers Memorial hospital five times inpatient and over 8 outpatient treatments. I am diagnosed with clinical severe depressive disorder, severe anxiety disorder, social anxiety, bipolar disorder, suicidal ideation, as well as PTSD.
Behind all of this is my story; everyone has their own story. My story started from the time I was little, I grew up with an alcoholic father but it took me fourteen years to realize this. In March 2017 when I was fourteen I figured out my dad was having an affair by seeing explicit texts on his phone. I did what I knew was right; I told my mom. She however didn’t believe me, I mean I couldn’t believe it either my parents seemed so happy together. Then spring break we went to Mexico and my whole world came crashing down. My parents were hardly ever to be found constantly fighting my mom crying, it was the worst trip ever. Then my parents seemed to be working on it, or well at least my mom seemed to be working on it. I started thinking everything was going to be okay… Then that summer my mom and I had planned a three week backpacking trip through Europe nine different countries and thirteen different cities. Towards the end of the trip I would notice my mom being in the bathroom for excessively long periods of time that’s when I knew my worst nightmare was going to become a reality. One night in Venice I will never forget the sound of my mom crying in the shower. Me being curious I picked up her phone and went through the texts between her and my father… “we need to seperate” The words that will forever be ingrained in my brain. I became furious with my father but when I texted him to confront him all he did was deny anything was wrong. Coming back was no better my mom was trying so hard to save the marriage; as her mom had left so she knows how hard it is and she wanted the best for my siblings and I. My dad had given up though, I had seen texts sent back and forth from my dad’s affair things that will scar me for the rest of my life, which plays a major part in my PTSD. Also my father would blame me for the divorce saying it was my fault because I had told my mom. No one believed me though I mean I didn’t want to believe myself. The day before my Sophomore year my parents announced they were separating and my whole world shattered. I ended up spending the night at my best friend’s house, then went up north with her family for that weekend as school had started on a Friday. When I came back to my house I became aware that my dad had walked out. Sophomore year was awful I was barely if at all passing classes and just loosing faith in myself that I had what it takes; I started abusing substances trying to find any way to make myself feel better; not something I can say I am proud of but something I need to own up to as they were my actions.
I now have tried to turn my pain into something to help others. I am currently working on my Girl Scout Gold Award. I am bringing a mental health presentation into our community to help others better understand the effects it has on our students with all the high expectations they have. I have put in 73 hours so far and have involved many people. It is stressful and it is so hard being a teenager but what I have come to realize is try and turn your negative experiences into something positive that can benefit others.